Soya Bean

...that was what my late grandmother used to call me. She was the only person to call me with that name. She had poor eyesight with blurry vision and she could only see in monochrome (black & white). In order to identify a person she had to ask them to come close to her so she would be able to see them clearly. She called me by that name because according to her, I am as white and milky as the soya bean drink.

'Was' is the keyword here. Arwah nenek drew her last breath peacefully in front of all of us, her family members on Sunday, 27.05.2007 at 2:00 pm.

What can I say about the most beautiful person in the whole wide world?

Hjh Hapsah bt Hj Shafie was a devoted wife, mother, grandmother. A woman of substance, she was like a breath of fresh air, a light in the dark - shining the way for everyone. She was the kindest person I have ever known. As far as I can remember, she always had something nice to say about everyone. She may look like a timid docile woman on the outside, but inside she was strong and hearty. A true perfect example of how a woman should be. The one lesson that she had taught me well was to always have faith in god. To be sincere and everything that we do, to never-ever give up in life and that patience is a virtue. Despite not being educated formally, she was a brilliantly smart woman.

Prior to this I was blogging at Friendster. And for those who have read my blog there, I'm sure you remember one of my previous post on my grandmother, entitled "Super Gran".

I can't go back there now. Not to read that post. Not yet. I am scared that I might breakdown again and cry like a baby just like the night after they have buried her. When the Imam was reading the talqim, it finally dawned on me that nenek is no longer there with us. She will not be there sitting on her bed surrounded by her pillows looking faraway deep in her thoughts. No one to ask my husband why he shaved his head bald, no one to ask me to make mashed potatoes just like the way she wants it, no one to tell me about the story how she got married to my late grandfather with a borrowed ring during the Japanese invasion. No one to call me Soya Bean anymore......

On the day she went away forever, I made a promise to myself not to cry and to there for my family as they needed me to be strong for them. God knows how badly I wanted to cry for her, to voice out my grief and sadness of losing her. But I needed to comfort my family - my aunts, cousins, sisters. To help them to let Nenek go, especially my father. My dear, dear, dearest father.

He was her favourite, the jewel of her eye. Don't get me wrong, she loved all her children and her children's children. But somehow Zakaria was her favourite. Father used to be away for a long, long while. When others were angry and frustrated with him, arwah nenek stood by her son. Never to scold him but constantly prayed to Allah Almighty that her son would one day return to her.

After 18 years of hoping and praying, he finally did. Even if it was only for a short while, I am sure she was happy. That they were both happy and that her last days were filled with wonderful memories of them together with the family.

I shall never ever forget her. We all will never forget her. Her faith, strength, and wisdom shall always be my guide in pursuing life's conquest. And insya-allah, if god would permit, I shall try to fulfill the promise that I made to her - long before this day is to come. I shall make her happy and proud. Me, her grandaugther - the 'Soya Bean'.

Al-Fatihah.